Bayeux Tapestry, Aelfgyva Scene
Low bridge, everybody down
Low bridge cause we’re coming to a town
And you’ll always know your neighbor
And you’ll always know your pal
If you’ve ever navigated on the Erie Canal
Chapter I
Crusader Paladino Blows His Horn
As the sun began to set over the Erie Canal, the boatman, leaning against his old mule Sal, exclaimed, “Gather round, young whippersnappers, for tonight we’ll be telling ye the tale of Carl the Paladin, the most chivalrous of the king’s Western New York knights in the crusade against the Saracens!” Their eyes sparking with excitement, the children cried out, as if with one voice, “Please, Sir, tell us the parts about Obama the Saracen king, and about how the brave Paladino blew his horn oliphant, and did vanquish the Saracen’s fearsome wife!”
Chapter II
Carl Paladino & The Battle of the Toll Booths
The boatman began his retelling; “For many years, Paladino was known as a Reagan Democrat, and fancied himself mostly a watchdog of government waste and corruption. Forsooth, in the mid-2000s, Paladino did help lead a campaign to remove the toll barriers on Interstate 190; after finding a state law that required the state to remove the tolls once the bonds for that portion of the thruway had been paid off, Carl, along with his fellow knights of the law Cavan and Quinlivin, threatened to sue. And, by Jove! The Thruway Authority did remove the tolls!” Seeking to continue his tale, the Boatman spoke of Carl’s various valiant Gubernatorial campaigns, and how he did rise to the exalted rank of Member, Buffalo School Board. But the children vociferated thus; “Stop! Stop! We want to hear the part when he joined with Trump! We want to hear about Loretta Lynch and Valery Jarrett!
Chapter III
Paladin Carl & The Saracen’s Wife
The boatman arose; “So my dears, you want to hear the parts that truly make a knight a knight, the tales of bravery and valor? Well then, the main points are these: Paladin Carl the gubernatorial candidate became a crusader of the anti-union order. He also stood tall for pro-life with no exceptions, for purging the welfare rolls, educational vouchers, and the repeal of the assault weapons ban. He pointed out that the President was and is a secret Saracen. Naturally, our Paladino soon caught the attention of Donald J. Trump. As New York Trump campaign co-chair, Paladino bravely threatened the New York state legislature, saying, “This is our last request that you join ‘Trump for President’ and try to preserve what’s left of your pathetic careers in government.” And he also bravely threatened the pledged GOP convention delegates, saying that he didn’t trust them, and that he would “…certainly whack them if they went off the reservation.”
But the chivalrous deeds of renown for with brave knight Carl the Paladin is remembered are primarily these: In July of 2016, Paladino called for Attorney General Loretta Lynch to be lynched on Twitter, and then bravely deleted his tweet. On December 23, 2016, Paladino took part in an interview with alternative weekly newspaper Artvoice. When asked about his hopes for 2017, Paladino valiantly replied, “Obama catches mad cow disease after being caught having relations with a Hereford. He dies before his trial and is buried in a cow pasture next to Valerie Jarrett, who died weeks prior, after being convicted of sedition and treason, when a jihadi cell mate mistook her for being a nice person and decapitated her.” After then being asked “what he would most like to see go away in 2017”, he Chivalrously replied: “Michelle Obama. I’d like her to return to being a male and let loose in the outback of Zimbabwe where she lives comfortably in a cave with Maxie, the gorilla.” On December 23, Paladino was contacted by The Buffalo News, who inquired whether he really made the comments. Paladino replied “of course I did” and then nobly told the editors to “go fuck themselves” for making the inquiry.
